Only When You Sleep
by The Queen of Double Standards
Summary: Obsession and love. Or is it obsession and lust? Rin, I'm so sorry. I just love you too much. I can't handle this. It's sick, wrong. You don't know what you do to me, Rin. CulxRin, dark yuri fic. Older teen rating.


**Author's Note: This is an incredibly dark yuri story so read at your own discretion. I'd rate this older teen, so sixteen and up probably. Again, read at your own discretion.**

**Only When You Sleep**

_Can't believe the chills I get  
><em>_Fight fire, can't forget  
><em>_All is changing, now it's real  
><em>_Can't believe the way I feel_

-When You Sleep by Longview

"Please, Cul, come down from there!" Rin cried desperately, staring at me in absolute horror as she burst through the door. Her clothes were ragged, half-torn from her body. I stared back at her, so horrified by myself.

"How can you ask me for that?" I cried, tears pouring from my eyes as they had from hers. "You hate me, you hate me!"

"I don't hate you, Cul, please!" she begged.

The wind whipped at my clothing and hers, showing me the bare skin of her body, filling me with sick, sick yearning. I stared at her, wanting her, wanting her more than I'd ever wanted anything. Wanting her so much that I'd hurt her. How could she not hate me? I'd seen the horror in her eyes, just like I could see it now. But, now, she should've been rejoicing. I was. The moment I took one more step forward, all this horrible suffering, this yearning I could do nothing for, would be gone. I hated myself, hated myself, hated myself. I was sick, sick, sick. I'd hurt her, the only one to ever show me such kindness.

"I don't want you to die!" she screeched, reaching out toward me as she began running across the roof, toward the precipice of insanity where I stood. I smiled sadly at her. She was lying. She wanted me to die. After what I'd done, how could she not? I wanted me to die, too, for hurting her so badly.

_I bet you never realized how I felt before, Rin. I'm so sorry._

It felt like slow motion as she ran toward me, and I feasted my eyes on her one last time before stepping over the edge of the roof. She screamed out my name, and I smiled at hearing my name on those beautiful lips.

_It's all over now, though._

. . .

I loved her for so long. However, I could never say anything about it, of course. We were both girls, after all. I knew it was sick, so I kept it my own filthy little secret.

But it was a dream come true when she came to me with a proposal.

"Cul-sama, the most wonderful, most amazing person in the entire world, may I ask you a huge favour?" she wondered, taking her hands in mine and leaning in closely to me so that our faces were but inches apart. My heart thundered, my cheeks burned. My entire being told me to close the distance, but, somehow, I managed to resist.

"Depends what it is," I replied, smiling at her with a small, nervous laugh.

"May I sleep over at your house tonight?" Rin requested.

I felt my heart skip a beat. My house? Rin wanted to stay at my house?

"You see, I'm kinda fighting with my parents," Rin stated bashfully. "And I, uh, really would rather not go home alone tonight."

Unsure what else to do, I nodded. She squealed joyfully and hugged me, thanking me a billion times. I hated how concentrated my mind was on the feel of her chest against mine.

. . .

It was a terrible idea. I lived alone, but, as such, I only had one bed, so we'd been forced to share it. I'd tried to escape to the couch for the night, but she'd grabbed my shirt and pulled me back onto the bed. I didn't sleep that night. Long after she'd fallen asleep, I stayed awake, staring at her beautiful body. Gently, I let myself run my fingers along her face, gently tracing her lips. My breathing grew laboured as I fought back the urge to lean forward and kiss her. My mind started playing tricks on me as I stared at her. Suddenly, it felt way too hot to stay here. I pushed the blankets off myself and ran into the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face to cool me down. I stared at myself in the mirror, hating the fantasies that ran through my head as I thought her over there, on my bed. I undressed her in my mind, making myself sick to the stomach.

Rin, you deserved so much better than me.

Her sleeping over became more and more common after that. She fought more and more with her parents and insisted on staying at my house each time. And, with those eyes of hers, pleading for me to rescue her, I simply couldn't say no.

Each time, my thoughts would grow worse and worse, and I'd want her more and more. Then, one night, when I knew she was fast asleep, I couldn't control myself anymore.

First, I placed my lips against hers, believing that would be enough to end these unholy feelings I had, but it wasn't. As soon as my lips were on hers, I found myself prying hers open. She still slept, so peaceful, as my tongue entered her mouth. I couldn't stop myself. Her taste was too intoxicating.

Then, she stirred, groaning like she always did when she was about to awaken. I pulled sharply away, covering my mouth with my hand, and ran out of the room where we slept. I dashed into the bathroom, panting uncontrollably, my face an unbelievable bright red. I stared at myself, horrified at what I'd done, and what I might have done if Rin hadn't woken up.

"Cul?"

Even now, she called to me so sweetly. I couldn't help but cry.

. . .

"Why didn't you tell us?" our friend Gumi squealed.

_Shut up._

"Jeez, I'm so jealous!" whined Iroha, stretching across the table toward Rin.

_It's not true._

Rin giggled. "I dunno, I guess I was embarrassed."

_She's lying._

"And to think, all this time, you had a boyfriend and you never told us," sighed Gumi, looking wistful. "I can't believe you got one before me."

_Shut up, shut up, shut up._

"You're so mean," Rin laughed, glancing over to another table where I caught sight of a boy standing. "Here he comes."

"I gotta go," I mumbled, quickly departing from the table before he could arrive. I felt them all watching me, confused, but I couldn't look back. I covered my teary eyes with my bangs and ran into the girl's bathroom, looking myself within one of the stall and biting down, hard, on my bottom lip until it bled, remembering the taste of Rin's tongue. I bit down hard to stop the crying and to distract myself from the yearning.

You've never had any idea what you do to me, Rin.

. . .

When she was sleeping that night, I watched her. Why? Why did she need a boyfriend? Wasn't it alright just to be my friend? I wanted her so, so much, but I wasn't allowed to have her. It wasn't fair. I loved her so much. I couldn't stop myself from loving her, and I needed her so much.

I hadn't told her yet, and I deserved something for that, right? So, as a reward to myself, knowing that she was asleep, my lips pressed gently against hers.

Then, hands hit my shoulders sharply and sent me reeling backward. I saw stars for a moment before my vision cleared, revealing Rin sitting up in bed, startled, her face a question mark. I gasped and covered my mouth with my hand, staring at her.

"What was that?" she questioned, not meanly, however, no matter how sharp the question was.

"I-I . . . ," I started, unable to say anything else. Then, my anger boiled inside me, instigated as I realized that, right now, she'd rejected me. "You were supposed to be asleep!"

"You do this every time I'm asleep?" Again, she didn't say it meanly, but, in my current state, the question stabbed at me, pointing out how terribly sick I was.

"Why did you have to get a boyfriend?" I exclaimed, my eyes wild as I grabbed her by the shoulders, pinning her back down on the bed. "Why did you need anyone but me?"

"C-Cul, you're scaring me!" she exclaimed in reply, averting her gaze, her cheeks bright red.

I shook her by the shoulders and demanded, "Look at me, dammit, look at me!"

"N-n-Cul, please calm down!" she begged, staring right at me, the calm facade she'd had moments before now gone.

"I love you, dammit, Rin!" I shouted.

"C-Cul, I don't feel that way toward girls," she said, forcing her quavering voice to sound calm and reassuring once again. "Please calm down."

"It's not fair!" I shouted at her, beginning to cry. "Why do I have to be the only one with these sick urges within me?"

"Cul, I—"

I cut her off with a kiss, which made her squirm. She attempted to push me off, but I grabbed both her wrists in my hands and held them down against the mattress. I pried her lips open and forced my tongue into her mouth again, pulling up to breathe before forcing myself on her again. I tasted her tears rolling into her mouth and felt her desire to scream, and I made sure to cover her mouth even more with my own to stop her. I followed her as she thrashed her head from side to side, searching for freedom. But, soon, that wasn't enough. I felt like my body was on fire, fully intoxicated by her taste. I released her hands and moved mine down to her shirt. She managed to pull her face away from mine for a moment as her hands pushed me away and she screeched for me to stop, but I shoved my tongue back into her mouth as my hands fought with hers to rip of her nightgown. Pieces of fabric came free in my hand, showing me what lay under that nightgown, revealing both her chest, usually covered by a bra but not now, when she slept, and the panties I'd torn away. I feasted my eyes hungrily on the treasure I'd uncovered. Then, a slap rang through the air as her hand made contact with my cheek. My eyes were forced away as my head spun. Suddenly, everything seemed so quiet, and all I could hear was Rin's ragged sobbing.

I looked at her. She was so horrified, too horrified to even attempt to cover herself up despite her nearly-naked state. Her face was drenched in tears, her body infested with wounds from my nails. She stared at me, so scared. I drew away, horrified by what I'd done to her. I loved her so much. Why did I have to love her? Why did I have to make her look at me that way? Why did I have to hurt her?

"I'm so sorry," I gasped, backing off the bed as she stared at me. "I'm so sorry."

I repeated it over and over again as I ran from her. I ran out of the room, out of my apartment. I heard her footsteps behind me when I made it to the stairs leading to the roof. She was still at the bottom when I burst through the doors and felt the midnight breeze against my impure skin.

"I'll never, ever hurt you again," I promised, closing my eyes and seeing her horrified gaze.

With that thought in mind, I made my way to the edge. I looked back at her as she cried for me and ran toward me, trying to save me despite all I'd done. Then, I took that last step over the edge, and I fell.

**Author's Note: I don't know how people will feel about this one, but I really felt the need to write it. This was the feel the song gave me. Please don't see this as me being against homosexuality. If you read my other stories, I'm a major yuri fan. Review if you'd like.**


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